I Don't Want to Break off my Engagement... Translation

50. Confession

Then, it was back to the Kingdom of Haulfa.

On the day Will forcefully teleported Maria to a Haulfa dungeon, I asked him if we couldn’t use the same method to return home, to which he answered.

“It’s best to refrain from using teleport unless truly necessary. It’ll cause you to feel very uncomfortable.”

When I asked how uncomfortable it would be, he described it as being worse than spinning your body around 50 times counter clockwise. I imagined it, and instantly abandoned the idea of teleporting. Will chuckled a little.

After returning to Haulfa, I thought that my normal life would finally return—so it turned out, that didn’t happen.

What happened, I wonder?

Will was being so messed up, although pampering. Visiting the castle was akin to casual business for me now. I needed to report to Will where I went or what I did no matter what.

Whenever I returned home, Marie would always cry, “Milady is loved!” But I personally thought that wasn’t love, but bondage—“I won’t let you go ever again.” Something like that.

I was also told to wear the necklace Will gave me in Talia, therefore I reluctantly wore it every day. The necklace’s gemstone matched Will’s eyes—it was just as beautiful as a normal piece of jewelry. …But, I was aware that it was actually a magical item to let him know of my precise location. If I didn’t wear it or if I lost it, surely, something terrible would await me.

What was I so scared of? It was the worrywart Will whom scared me.

Meanwhile, the entire time, something else was bugging me.

—It was ‘Fern.’

Yes, I was still hung up on Fern and had recurring dreams of that time.

“Escape now! Go, run! Take the children with you! You can still use some magic, right?! There’s only a single guard! Run from this place!”

My brain remembered all the words, the voice, the smell of that moment in time—the smell of burning, Fern’s voice.

My sleepless days continued—thus I suffered from lack of sleep and the feeling of guilt from that day. Once again, the habit of biting my lips had relapsed.

I didn’t do much recently. Because my happy days were back, I had more oppotunities to recall all of that.

“Tia, you’re hiding something from me, right?”

“T, that’s.”

“What? If it’s secret, everyone has them—it’s a humane thing. It’s alright to have them, you know. I want to know every secret of Tia, but I also don’t want to force you to reveal them.”

Towards his horrifying words, my body stiffened. Today, I was having a tea party with Will.

Unfortunately, the tea party had to be held in Will’s private room because of the weather. Of course, we weren’t the only two. In the corner of the room, was Romaj, and next to him was my personal maid, Marie.

The topic eventually went to Talia, and Will suddenly said—’you’re hiding something, right?’

I suddenly couldn’t react. I was hiding none other than Fern—

but why, how did he realize it?

“Tia can’t sleep, right?”

“…eh.”

“There’re bags under your eyes. You’re concealing them well using foundation, but you can’t fool me. …What happened, Tia? What are you so worried about? What is tormenting you?”

“W, Will…”

“—and your lips, what happened, really, Tia?”

“Tha, that’s, um…”

While saying that, Will approached me. He was about to suddenly do some skinship with me! He didn’t care about Marie and Kevin whom were also present! It was really embarrassing!

“W, Will, you’re too close…”

“Then why? Why is Tia suffering so much? …Can you talk to me?”

Will gently hugged me. I feel relieved at the temperature I was used to. I put my head on Will’s chest and dropped my gaze.

If asked what I was worrying about, it was about burdening him. I didn’t want to be despised or blamed by Will if I told him the truth. I was scared. I was going to take the secret to the grave.

If Will were to blame me—if he called me the worst person, I wouldn’t be able to recover.

Because I knew well what happened—I was the one who left Fern and ran away. I abandoned her, I killed her… I knew that well.

“…Tia, you don’t want to tell me?”

“…”

“You don’t have to be so hard on yourself. But if Tia is suffering, I’d like to lessen the pain. Hey, Tia? Tell me? Don’t endure the pain alone…”

“…Will…”

I felt bad at Will’s self-loathing. In the end, I told him in a small, almost inaudible, voice.

“…You won’t blame me?”

“Huh?”

“You won’t call me the worst person ever?”

I asked with a small, really quiet voice. Will quietly pondered for a moment and gently patted my back to reassure me—and he then said,

“Rest assured. I will never call Tia that. No matter what you did, I will never say that.”

Is this okay…

I was a little too grateful over what Will had said, and regained a little bit of sanity.

Anyway, I thought I would be unable to tell him despite everything he had said to me.

Finally, I managed to tell Will in a small voice.

I want to atone.


***T/N:

“It’s best to refrain from using teleport unless truly necessary. It’ll cause you to feel very uncomfortable.”

Pros of using teleport:

  • Avoid the chance of being robbed on the way home, which has the chance of happening when you travel using a carriage.
  • Got home instantly.
  • Don’t have to suffer 7 days road trip.
  • Don’t have to suffer nausea and dizziness due to carriage rocking back and forth.

Cons of using teleport:

  • Momentary uncomfortableness, described as being worse than spinning your body around 50 times counter clockwise.
  • That’s it.

CLEARLY, THE PRINCE IS USING HIS FRONTAL LOBE WHEN TRYING TO WEIGHT BETWEEN THE PROS AND CONS OF USING TELEPORT HERE. 7 DAYS LONG SWAYING BACK AND FORTH IN A CARRIAGE > MOMENTARY UNCOMFORTABLENESS. AWESOME, PRINCE, KEEP IT UP, STAY BEING YOU, WE LOVE YOU.

  • Will was being so messed up, although pampering.
  • I needed to report to Will where I went or what I did no matter what.
  • I was also told to wear the necklace Will gave me in Talia, therefore I reluctantly wore it every day. The necklace’s gemstone matched Will’s eyes—it was just as beautiful as a normal piece of jewelry. …But, I was aware that it was actually a magical item to let him know of my precise location

…okay, hol’ up. What is happening here.

If it’s Tia’s antics, aka her being dumb as usual, then ofc I would get truly mad, but I can always bounce back from the anger and get on with it–

so how am I supposed to bounce back from THIS?

How am I supposed to bounce back from such a triggering, abusive, controlling, piece of <del datetime=”2021-11-04T08:21:02+00:00″>censored </del>of a scene that is otherwise glorified as romance and love by the author?

Ok I don’t want to get judgey, but it’s official. The author is 12 yo, or at least someone with 12 yo mentality. Why do I say this? Because back when I was 12 yo, ‘overprotectiveness’, ‘instant jealousy’, ‘controlling’, ‘possessive’, ‘obsessive’, ‘anger issue’ ‘touchy borderline rapey’ were all the traits that the male lead of the shoujo I was reading must have. Because I thought those traits proved that he was indeed in love with her, if he didn’t go to extreme ways to ensure she will stay with him, that’s not love. Or that’s what I simply believed. Even though in reality, all those traits only proved how their relationship isn’t based on trust and all other healthy things at all, dude is just being an insecure <del datetime=”2021-11-04T08:21:02+00:00″>censored </del>and is mental about it.

But I personally thought that wasn’t love, but bondage—“I won’t let you go ever again.” Something like that.
If I didn’t wear it or if I lost it, surely, something terrible would await me.
What was I so scared of? It was the worrywart Will whom scared me.

Oh, so you do know it’s not healthy, that it’s toxic as <del datetime=”2021-11-04T08:21:02+00:00″>censored </del>, that it’s not a relationship, but ownership–

–So what the <del datetime=”2021-11-04T08:21:02+00:00″>censored </del>are you writing?

–why are you still trying to make them end up together?

–Why do you still try to romanticize this clearly shallow as <del datetime=”2021-11-04T08:21:02+00:00″>censored </del>relationship that gave me only horrid feelings, instead?

I am not even kidding, Tia’s cognitive ability regresses as the chapter goes, and this chapter, which is supposed to read from her perspective, feels stunted as <del datetime=”2021-11-04T08:21:02+00:00″>censored </del>. Most of the time she was either lost in thought or having flashback, even though there is supposed to be an ongoing conversation in front of her, it’s like she either has an infant brain or just have brain damage in general. Ain’t no way reading her perspective has that subpar natural sensation it used to have.

“What? If it’s secret, everyone has them—it’s a humane thing. It’s alright to have them, you know. I want to know every secret of Tia, but I also don’t want to force you to reveal them.”

///PROCEED TO DO EXACTLY THAT///

Will always make me feel unsafe. Ofc I had to try to be in Tia’s shoes for translating’s sake, yea? Whenever I translate part that has something to do with him, I always felt that Will is that person you should avoid at all cost.

It was as if the dude knew that Tia is a dumbvuk of a <del datetime=”2021-11-04T08:21:02+00:00″>censored </del>who can’t maintain her thought process for more than 3 secs, hence he kept doing that self-loathe(s) to mess with her mind, causing her to finally relent and tell him everything. Ain’t no way this kind of guy has her wellbeing at the top of his priority.

If asked what I was worrying about, it was about burdening him. I didn’t want to be despised or blamed by Will if I told him the truth. I was scared. I was going to take the secret to the grave.
If Will were to blame me—if he called me the worst person, I wouldn’t be able to recover.
Because I knew well what happened—I was the one who left Fern and ran away. I abandoned her, I killed her… I knew that well.

…And this, Tia, just proved for forever and ever, what a selfish, ignorant, self-centered <del datetime=”2021-11-04T08:21:02+00:00″>censored </del>you are.

You don’t know anything about Fern, you thought she’s merely a sheltered, weak, noble lady. But so it turned out that she had loads of emotional and mental baggage, she had lost the only person she trusted in the worst way possible, aka her mom. Her mother taught her that as long as she believed, everything will turn out okay. But it was holding to said belief that killed her mother, as if the reality was spitting on what Fern believed in her entire life. It could be that as the foundation of her life crumbled down, she began to do the exact opposite and started doing evil things because she thought that’s the right way to life–because she thought that that way, she wouldn’t lose someone precious to her again, that was Shal Ferpia. This is merely my assumption, done by turning a blind eye to the massive plotholes that were present during those chapters.

Fern’s hands, bloodied as they may, were the same hands that nursed Tia for three days long, ensuring that she stayed alive, and even bathed her. In the end, she stayed the same. She stayed the same girl who tried to keep Tia alive.

‘If I had noticed sooner…’ ‘If only I get to know more about Fern…’ ‘If only I get Fern to trust me enough to share the story of her past with me before all that messy fight happened, then surely, the two of us could devise a plan to escape and reach a solution…’ ‘If only I was strong enough I could protect both the children and Fern, therefore I needn’t have to choose between them like that…’–

–These. These are what GUILT sounds like.

But what did the actual Tia said instead? What’s the thing she’s the most concerned about? Was she even concerned about Fern?

“…You won’t blame me?”
“Huh?”
“You won’t call me the worst person ever?”

Her appearance. How other might perceive her. Whether or not people would like her anymore–and thats it. Even when the recurring dream kept repeating to her to save Shal Ferpia, ‘will ppl hate me or not’ is 1st and the only concern of her, other than that, she’s basically IDGAF. And so it turned out that month in Talia, she was trying to forget Fern instead of anything. I wish I was making things up–but no, this is what she did, this is what the author wrote. The author has successfully not only write the dumbest femml, but also the most foul, shallowest one.

THIS IS THE HEROINE WE SHOULD ALL RELATE AND CHEER FOR, PPL.

OH BTW DID YOU REALIZE INCONSISTENCIES WITH WILL’S EYES? AUTHOR CAN’T DECIDE BETWEEN BLUE, GREEN, BLUE GREEN, JADE GREEN–EXPECT MORE OF THAT. ONE OF YOU COMPLAINED TO ME ABOUT THAT, BUT I MYSELF THINK CONFUSING THE WORD ‘MIDORI (GREEN)’ WITH ‘AO (BLUE)’ IS BELOW MY LEVEL. I AM ALSO NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CORRECTING THE AUTHOR’Ss MISTAKE, BECAUSE THAT WOULD COUNT AS MAKING THINGS UP AND A BAD BAD THING FOR A TRANSLATOR TO DO, SO I WILL PUT THIS DISCLAIMER HERE.

AND BECAUSE YOU GUYS ARE THIS FAR ALREADY, I DEEM YOU GUYS READY FOR THIS REVEAL:

A FEW MONTHS AGO, THIS STORY WON THE FIRST PLACE ON SYOSETSU.

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